A Letter to the Editor...
This weekend is unlike most I have had in the recent past. I just returned home from dinner at my in-laws with my two children, and while I enjoyed it, it was much different than my husband and I would have shared a few months ago…drinks and dinner together to rejuvenate ourselves… “our couple time” with one another. Why? Because today, while our in-laws watched our children, my husband and I went to his office where I helped him work on a presentation that he will give this week in hopes to bring him more business. Afterward, we went to the grocery store together sans children with our coupons and calculator and carefully shopped for our family of four in hopes that decreasing our grocery budget would mean that I can still stay at home and raise our children.

Our children: The foundation of our future. Our sweet little girl is 2.5 years old and our son is 4 months. We had a dream and a plan that I would put aside my career to use the knowledge from my education and decade of work to teach and love our children, in what some call "the old-fashioned way"…from the home without daycare. My husband, a commercial real estate mortgage broker, earned a respectable income that allowed this, and we (thank God, literally) planned for the future with it. We have saved for our retirement in multiple accounts; we have 529s for each child; and have a savings account for “just in case.” Little did we know that October would happen and “just in case” would come to no fault of my husband’s hard and ethical work.

Ironically, when I began writing this, the two documents that were already up on my computer were my resume and our family’s new budget. I have spent the last week contacting former colleagues and bosses, reaching out to those who might have part time consulting or freelance writing work for me. I have battled myself so frequently in my head and heart during the last two weeks that I am dizzy. I can’t be selfish because so many people are far worse off than my family. So, what if I go back to work part time? I was going too eventually, anyway. Right? I loved my career, and I was good, so maybe now is the time to re-engage in the rat race. Or, maybe now is not the time. Who will take care of my children the way I do? No one. Not the best trained or the highest paid because they won’t be me. Getting dizzy yet?

Then I read the article in Sunday’s Dallas Morning News, “Banks with Windfall are reluctant to lend it,” and my dizziness and anger spiraled. Why is the government giving hundreds of billions of dollars to banks that have yet to plan how they will spend it? Why are they being granted multi-million dollar reprieves and not planning to put this money back into the market to help stimulate the economy? I am disappointed in the congress who allowed this bailout with no strings attached and am disappointed in the bank executives for not seeing the big picture of how this money will help thousands if used wisely. Why are the banks not lending the money to qualified borrowers: commercial or not? Devise a plan for goodness sakes.

I have been watching CNN all weekend, riveted to the news of the inauguration and hoping that a new president’s “hope” and “change” will inspire everyone to think about more than what lines their own pockets. I saved the Sunday paper to place in my children’s keepsake boxes so that they may see the news of the first African-American to be elected and serve as President of the United States. What glory. What inspiration.

My hope is that a few months from now, I am still teaching my daughter her letters and numbers, myself; still teaching my son to sit and crawl, myself; still saving the paper to show my children what a wonderful country we live in. I hope I am still the full-time primary care-giver of my children and able to watch all of their “firsts.” Please congress, please Mr. President, attach some strings to the money being thrown around…strings are certainly attached for the rest of us Americans.

Why am I writing this and sending a "letter to the editor"? Well, I was online this weekend, checking out a popular talk show host's Web site. Interestingly enough, the host is calling for people to write to her who have lost their jobs because of the economy. At first, I didn't think this applied to me, but then I had a new perspective. I am loosing my job as a full-time, stay-at-home mom. I wonder what other perspectives exist out there? And are any decision makers listening to them?

Soon Very Soon

I will meet our P2 stranger very soon.

As of my last appointment, I was 75% effaced and 2cm dilated.

We have decided to induce labor on August 27...still a Virgo!

Three Virgos in one house! Our sweet Emerson will just have to put up with our anal retentive perfectionism. Gotta love it! ;-)

Funny story and to illustrate the mind of a Virgo...the first thing Jason said when he heard the birthdate would be "27" was that..."Emerson's birthdate on the 17th will be the only birhtdate in the family not divisible by 3 or 9." OK, Jason! Love the way you think, my sweet! ;-)

For Baby

P2-
The first record I ever played in my room was Grammy and Papa's John Denver LP (I'll explain what an LP is later). I bought his Greatest Hits CD when I purchased my first CD player, and my love for his music and lyrics have never left me. He was truly a great spirit and singer/song writer. His music reminds me of my favorite place, Colorado, as so much of his lyrics revolve around his reflections of the mountains.

A few years back, your Uncle Erik and I went on a road trip together for a long weekend to go camping and hiking in CO. We drove through the night, and Erik, knowing how much I loved JD, began playing his CD for me right as I was waking up to see our approach into the Rockies.
There is really nothing better than listening to "Rocky Mountain High" as you maneuver through those massive mountain ranges. Anyway, my nostalgia for the mountains always returns around this time of year...so I pop in JD's music and allow my mind and heart to remember some very special family vacations in CO. Daddy and I will take you there some day.

This past weekend, I listened to the CD while Emerson and I were running errands; I was thinking of you. For the first time, I felt the lyrics to one of the songs on the CD that I have heard hundreds of times before but with which I am just now connecting.
This is my song for you. I can't wait to meet you! Love, Mommy

For Baby

I’ll walk in the rain by your side
I’ll cling to the warmth of your hand
I’ll do anything to keep you satisfied
I’ll love you more than anybody can

And the wind will whisper your name to me
Little birds will sing along in time
Leaves will bow down when you walk by
And morning bells will chime

I’ll be there when you’re feelin’ down
To kiss away the fears if you cry
I’ll share with you all the happiness I’ve found
A reflection of the love in your eyes

And I’ll sing you the songs of the rainbow
A whisper of the joy that is mine
And leaves will bow down when you walk by
And morning bells will chime

I’ll walk in the rain by your side
I’ll cling to the warmth of your tiny hand
I’ll do anything to help you understand
And I’ll love you more than anybody can

And the wind will whisper your name to me
Little birds will sing along in time
Leaves will bow down when you walk by
And morning bells will chime

Week 33

I am at the end of Week 33 and wish it were week 40.
For me, its has been more challenging to be pregnant while parenting full-time than working full-time. I never seem to get enough sleep or any down-time to reenergize myself.

To me, commuting back and forth to work or working in my office and meetings all day seem like a luxury right now b/c Emerson is just a non-stop ball of learning energy. I can't seem to satisfy her need for answered questions or activity.

I know this status is going to be temporarily worse when P2 is here, for obvious reasons.
And still, I am excited to meet P2 and have him/her outside of my body just to feel a little normal again.

I get so annoyed at "complainers" and so most of the time no one would suspect what I am feeling b/c I keep it inside and put on my "PR" face, but today I just have to get it off my chest. It is what it is. Today, I do not have the capacity to be perfect or my verison of it, anyway.

I usually write this blog while Emerson is taking a nap, but alas, she fell asleep for 10 minutes in the car on the ride home from the mall and would not go back to sleep once she got home. So, we are now having a napless day, which should be fun for all of us about dinner time.

Maybe today, Emerson can do the laundry while I take a nap? ;-)
Tired today, C

Funny Quote

This quote cracked me up when I heard it because between a fiesty, "I can do anything" personality (I don't know where she gets it from); being almost two; and teething molars, Emerson is reduced to tears at least once a day...

"They're crying, which means they haven't been abducted and they aren't dead, a good thing, right? -Kate from John and Kate Plus 8.

I have some free time today and thought I would take advantage...hopefully, allow my thoughts to flow on paper as they so often do during the day when I don’t have time to capture them.
P2 is doing well. At our last appointment, P2’s heartbeat was the same as last month’s…147 and holding steady. We are in Week 28, and P2 does not sit still. He/she is not just doing summersaults but is managing an entire gym class in my uterus. I can’t wait to meet him/her; I think P2 is going to give me a run for my money, but I am up for the challenge.

The nursery is all ready. Items that had been removed for a growing toddler have been placed again for a newborn. Are we doing this again? I keep asking myself that. How is it that 2+ years have transpired already? So, the bumpers and mobile are back n the crib and all of the “baby” toys are ready for a new little one. How lucky are we that we get to watch another human being discover the world? Blessed beyond measure; luck has nothing to do with it.

One experience during this pregnancy that I thought was so thrilling was Jason and my snorkeling experience in Playa del Carmen. After a few minutes adjusting my breathing and getting comfortable swimming in the ocean, I settled into a rhythmic kicking and breathing pattern. I was floating above the reefs, felt weightless and calm. I could hear my breath…in….out….in…..out…as I breathed through the snorkel. I could feel the water surrounding me and the occasional warmth of the sun on my back coupled with waves of cooler water. I thought to myself, P2 is with me and he/she must feel this peaceful all of the time in the womb. I felt so connected and was so grateful for a quiet moment with him/ her. Quiet, reflective moments with your unborn child are more challenging to come by when you are caring for a toddler all day. This will always be a special memory for me.

What about Emerson, that sweet little toddler, so full of light?
She is amazing. Her vocabulary is uncountable at this point. I focus on this because truly she is showing more and more of her 'self' these days through her language, and we are just in awe to see our little girl grow up.

Painting Naked
Yesterday on the way to my Mom’s house, I told Emerson where we were going and that I was sure “Gammy” (Grammy) would have something fun and creative for her to do, as usual. Last time Emerson was at Mom’s house, Owen was there too, and Mom took the two of them down to their diapers while outside, and let them finger paint…on themselves and each other! Needless to say, the proud pictures of the two of them dressed head to toe in every color of the rainbow was adorable! So, I reminded Emerson of her outdoor painting adventure…and that was all it took! The rest of the drive, Emerson repeated, “I want to paint naked,” over and over again.
When she saw Grammy, she smiled and waved and yelled, "Hi! I want to paint naked!" There was no way out of it. When I pulled out of Mom’s driveway, my little “naked” Emerson had paint from nose to toe…and well, with no Owen with whom to play, Mom was covered too.
What a little pair they were.

Two Wrists
Last week, I was putting Emerson's hair in a ponytail, per her request. She took the hair-band I was going to use, and placed it on her wrist…she calls them “bracelets” and loves to stack all of her hair-bands on her wrists (and refuses to take them off). So, I got another band out and was ready to use it when she took that one too. I said, “Emerson, you already have a hair-band; I need that one for your ponytail.” She looked at me and said, “I have two wrists.” What do you say to a 22 month old who knows her body parts and how many wrists she has? I could not disputer her logic, so I said, “you’re right; you do.” And I got a third band out and finished her hair. She beamed at herself in the mirror and said “I’m cute.”
“Yes, you are cute but more importantly, you are smart,” I said. And thus begins the battle of every woman…. The battle of looks vs. smarts. I am determined that she will appreciate the power of her intellect, strength of her spirit, and capability of her body more than the image she sees in the mirror or the comments she gets from people about her appearance.

Baby Growing
We have talked again and again with Emerson about how Mommy has a baby growing in her belly.
She loves to lift my shirt up, and put her hands on the sides of my belly while bending over to kiss it. She says, “Baby is growing; kiss the baby!”
Emerson and I were in the grocery store the other day, and she was snacking on Goldfish while sitting in the cart. She looked at me, and said, “feed the baby.” And in the middle of the store, pulled my shirt up and placed a goldfish in my belly-button. She was so proud of herself, and I just said, “thank you so much, Emerson, that is so nice of you to give the baby a snack.” The most funny incident was two nights ago. I was sitting in the living room, and Emerson comes to me, lifts up my shirt, puts her mouth on my belly button and says, "Hi baby, how you doin'?" Hopefully, she will be this sweet when she actually has to share her time with the baby...hmmm....

Thank You God
Every night at bedtime, Emerson gets in her bed, and pulls the sheets over her. Jason and I sit next to her bed, and I read her third book, a book about twinkling stars (Jason reads books one and two). The stars on the page actually light up, so we turn the lights off and read it to her. When we finish reading, we say her prayers. She is so sweet. She puts her hands together and repeats after me, ”Dear God…thank you for Mommy, Daddy; Papa and Grammy; Nana and Grandpa; Erik, Whitney and Owen; and Aimee and Doug. Thank you, God.” She smiles all of the way through the prayer and is the sweetest gift from God I have ever seen. Sometimes she skips ahead of me and will say, “Owen!” before I get to his name. Sometimes, she skips ahead and says “Thank you, God!” before I get to that part, and that is OK; after all, it is her prayer.

And I will conclude with this...I have been teaching Vacation Bible School this week and Emerson has been attending. I picked her up from her class on Monday and her teacher (who knows her well from church childcare) says to me, "I wish we could have a half dozen more of her in our class." Amen.

Dear Jason, You are...

Dear Jason,

One does not expect to find a love letter in a public blog, but I am making an exception.

At the end of my pregnancy with Emerson, I printed all of my "Mommy and Me"blogs and made a book for her, which I keep in "Emerson's box." I plan to do the same for P2, and although, my blogging has been different during my pregnancy with P2 than it was with Emerson, so too am I different, and so too will our new baby be different. One thing I want P2 to know is our love for each other. I believe, my sweet Jason, that the love a husband and wife share spills over into the love you share with your children, and I am thrilled for P2 to understand that you are the best husband and my best friend. Although I thank God for you daily, I don't always tell you, and a recent incident reminded me to never take you for granted. I love you, my sweet, Jason, because...

You are patient.

You are honest.

You are full of light.

You are positive.

You are energetic.

You are careful with your words to me and others.

You are smart.

You are funny.

You are modest.

You are kind.

You are an unconditional lover and friend.

You are the best Daddy.

You are always willing to learn.

You are an expert at letting people be who they are with no judgement.

You are my roof, my walls, and my doors, and yet, you never shut me in or out.

You are my life, and you know me well enough to know that I don't easily give that much credit or control, but with you it's simply second nature because I know the feeling is mutual, and that's why you are the best partner for me.

I love you, my sweet, Jason, and I can't wait to see you be a Daddy again to our second baby.

We are the luckiest couple in so many ways.

Yours, Carol Ann